Alrite, I’m gonna keep it real. I hope you disagree with at least one thing I wrote below. Unless you and I are converging towards some kind of abstract emotional core…or we’re living in parallel universes in the same time dimension? o_O
Look, I needed to make that joke (or bad joke) because this topic is so uncomfortable. Some people see online dating as an easy way to hook up. Some people see it as a way to admit you need help with dating. Some people think it’s for desperate people. Look, here’s what I’ve learned with 30 years of my life: to find love takes courage, boldness, and the determination to ignore anyone who tells you that love isn’t worth the trouble and the ups-and-downs. Online dating is simply an addition to humankind’s mating ritual. It’s one way among a growing number of ways to find love.
Back in the day the definition of love was much more restricted. In Asian culture good luck marrying the girl of your dreams if you were an artist or a writer or anything less than having a stable job. Love in itself was a dream. These days love is easy to find but healthy relationships are still difficult to nurture and maintain.
When it comes to online dating there are some things to consider. Below I discuss some of those things.
1. Busy schedules.
If you’re a busy professional this is a great way to find potential matches based off of similar interests and location. Just make sure the interests you write reflect who you are now, not what you want to have someday.
2. Save time.
You get to see their interests and with apps like Coffee Meets Bagel you can text someone a few times before you meet up. This gives you a chance to get to know one another. I’ve had pretty insightful conversations by text. It’s possible. Find that sweet middle ground between interviewing her and fitting her within your needs. Get to know her means…ask about family, ask about her weekends, ask about where she goes for dessert, ask about pets, ask about her favorite book, ask about her college days and what clubs she was part of. You can tell a lot (but not everything) about a person with that info.
3. Having time to think.
You don’t have to respond right away or risk looking like you’re ignoring her. Take your time to respond thoughtfully. Chances are she’s got other guys she’s talking to as well…aka entertaining her while you take your foot out of your brain =D
If you get matches everyday, doesn’t she get them as well? How do you know that once you start dating that she won’t keep herself on the application as a back up plan? I TOTALLY believe you should trust one another. I’m just saying you need to find your own answer to this inevitable question. For me, the truth I found for myself is that she gets matches everyday (or more) but she chose THIS particular day to make time for me…not any other guy.
2. Feeling vulnerable.
What if you have mutual friends? OMG what if people find out you use online dating? Won’t they think you’re looking for easy hookups? Ignore those people! People who are truly in love and happy will tell you let nothing stand in your way and let no leaf unturned in your pursuit of love. Here is a simple way I’ve discovered to silence Christians when they think I’m in it for easy intimacy: hey, have you ever had pre-marital intercourse or sexual contact? Yea, they’ll stop judging you real quick. For all non-Christian people just wish them goodluck in their marriage/relationship and realize that’s one less person you have to invite to your wedding. If they’re not close enough to you for you to have to invite them to your wedding, then their didn’t count anyway.
Just take it slow. Don’t feel like every match is a potential spouse. Don’t share too much, too quickly about yourself. Don’t share your attitudes about life and dating in your profile…let that person find out in person because words are easily misinterpreted. VERY EASILY.
3. She’s using you for dinner.
I’ve felt this a few times on dates I went on with online matches. She was interactive by text but totally silent in person. What the heck! She seemed interested in me by text asking lots of questions and then totally disengaged in person. Maybe she was just shy. Maybe she was uncomfortable. Maybe I did something or said something. Or maybe she’s like this girl: http://www.businessinsider.com/confessions-how-she-made-1200-a-month-using-matchcom-2011-11.
These days I won’t take a woman to dinner until the 4th or 5th date, or even longer. Take her on a picnic. Take her to a coffee shop and play a board game. Take her on a walk somewhere scenic. Hey, a nice dinner can be romantic and cloud her and/or your judgement. No one dressed up for casual events. But damn if she looks good on a first date I might be hooked on her by my carnal desires rather than by a real emotional affinity for her. This change in my dating routine has done wonders for me.
Look at it this way, the quantity of romantic dinners and fun dates diminish (but shouldn’t disappear entirely) and the amount of “chill” time increase as you get farther into a stable relationship. I wanna know I can have belly-full laughs with her watching Saturday Night Live. I wanna know that we can walk together and talk and debate and realize that was hella fun. I want to know that I won’t need to plan unique dates all the time…that being together is enough for her most of the time as it would be for me. I’m not looking for simple hookups (not anymore) and I want to know if she’ll explore with me, learn with me, be with me and not just date me … before I open my heart to the risk of hurt and despair that comes with building a relationship, whether that starts online or in person.
Goodluck to you!