Online dating can be fun and exciting. The only app I’ve used was Coffee Meets Bagel. I have not tried other dating apps, so this post is limited in scope.

Like with any activity, after some time I developed certain habits and routine thoughts. Below are some of those thoughts.

  1. Bikini photos- no thanks, unless it was summer and I felt really lonely.
  2. Clubbing photos- no thanks, unless I felt really lonely.
  3. Photos with blurred view- she didn’t really care to be on this app. As a stereotype, most women are good with photo editing. And for women who aren’t good at photo editing, I know you told your friends about online dating and at least one of them has helped you with choosing photographs. At least one of them is good with photo editing. If neither of my assumptions are true, please contact me. I know some great guys for you =) No, seriously.
  4. Extremely detailed profiles- no thanks, the devil is in the details.
  5. Cute smile- yes please! Please: smile.
  6. She wants “a Godly man”- are you a Godly woman? What does “Godly” mean? Does Godly mean go to church every Sunday? Pray every night? Pray before sunrise? Follow the old testament or the new testament? Take the story of Job as a story or as a biographical memoir?  Is it a lower-case “godly” or an uppercase “godly”? Can the word “God” or God himself be used as an adjective? By the time I’ve asked these questions I’m half asleep.
  7. She wants “honesty”- were you cheated on by an ex? There are things that are unsaid and expected, e.g., honesty, trust, faith, etc. Also how honest is ‘too honest’ or ‘not honest enough’?
  8. She likes it when “he calls before going to bed”- what time do you go to bed?
  9. She likes when a man “is not this” or “is not that”- sweetie, this section is “what do you like in a date”.
  10. Nice photos, pretty face, gorgeous outfit, bare-bone profile- I don’t have enough money to be a sugar daddy. Hey, you wanted “honesty” right?

Before you criticize or demonize me, ask yourself: do you want honesty or do you want modesty? 

Share your experience!

In my realm of experience, it’s rarely a man telling a woman she’s not skinny enough or her skin isn’t fair enough. Yes, there are men who require manicured trophies, and women I have seen and heard judge each other so much harsher than men ever could…because women understand a woman’s insecurities so much deeper than an average man could.

Many of us have the capacity to love a woman as she is. I think it’s time that women listen more closely to the men who love them rather than abusive women and unrealistic social media outlets.

I was an English minor in college. In English literature, literary devices are used to exemplify, highlight, or clarify a feeling, thought, or comment. Shakespeare used irony, he wasn’t ironic. Milton used hyperbole, he wasn’t the embodiment of exaggerations.

I’ve dated women who say or have seen women’s dating profile that say things like: I’m sarcastic. Sarcasm isn’t a character trait, it’s a literary device meant to be used sparingly. So when I hear “I’m sarcastic” or “I have a sarcastic personality” this is how I interpret what you’re actually saying:

1. “I say things that can come off mean (and/or I’ve been told that I sound mean)”.

2. “Be aware, I’m not a good/clear communicator.” Like in literature, literary devices can be interpreted in many, many ways…this is how a class of 40 English students can write ‘original’ papers…otherwise we would all have the same ideas from interpreting the same devices.

3. “I’m not very endearing.” I’ve dated “sarcastic women” and they often like to poke at a man’s insecurities. For example, I once said, “I’m pretty proud of myself for having accomplished x.” She replied, “Oh, you’re sooo awesome.” I said, “Yes, I think I’m pretty awesome.” At that moment, I was annoyed. I wasn’t looking for validation- I don’t need the validation of an individual who knows nothing about my field- but I would have liked for her to be more endearing and just say, “Sounds like you know your strengths”, or the simple, “that’s awesome!”

I’m gonna tell you some straight truths:

1. Men are insecure, too. That’s not a weakness.  That’s human. Be careful of men who “don’t” have insecurities; they’re lying. Mature men handle their insecurities EVERYDAY in order to function. Immature men hide their insecurities and never discuss them.

2. Men need kindness, too. STOP testing our ‘will’ to be with you. Some men last one month. Some men last 20 years. Very rarely do men last a lifetime.

3. Men need encouragement, too. Often I’ve noticed the most successful men get the least amount of encouragement. Think about that. Look, being Asian American a lot of people often say to me after finding out I went to a good college: “Oh you’re Asian that makes sense. You all go to good schools.” Excuse me, I worked my butt off in high school. I was president of two clubs, Taekwondo black belt, 4.2 GPA, varsity cross country and track, and on school’s symphony (Yes, I would like a cookie). My parents didn’t push me; I did not receive tutoring; I wrote my own personal statements and sought teachers to edit my essays. And then after college I got a job not because Asians get jobs so easy (‘bamboo ceiling’ is a real thing)…but because if you look at my college résumé you’ll realize I did as much and accomplished as much as 2 or 3 college students combined. I’m not bragging, it’s my truth. Yet so often I’m diluted to just: Oh that makes sense cause you’re Asian. Respect my strengths and who I am and I guarantee you you’ll get the best of me (us).

Listen, these days we’re so focused about who people are, what they want, where they’re going,  we often forget the small stuff. You like a guy? Read below for two easy and simple ways to tell he likes you back. And if he likes you back read below for how you keep it going, without coming off as needy or the God-forsaken-end-all-Armageddon of coming off as desperate (hyperbole is sarcasm meant to shrink to size what often gets inflated).

1. If he asks you a question, ask the same question back. How hard is that? You don’t even need to come up with a question, let us do the work and you reciprocate. If he doesn’t ask any questions then he’s either not interested, distracted, or shy. Ask yourself, you wanna date any of those qualities? Oh, maybe you’re a patient person. Remember, patience is a word with no time limit implied. Think about it.

2. Flirt with us. I’m not even going to explain how to do this cause it’ll give away what I respond to. Even the most logical and reasonable guys will respond to flirting. It’s called hormones. You know it’s working when he gets nervous, smiles shyly, shrugs his shoulders and smiles, or looks you deep in your eyes holding that eye contact much longer than you’re expecting.

Doing the above won’t get a man to propose to you or commit to you. But how many more divorces do we need before we all wake up and realize marriage isn’t the goal; marriage is the consequence of a healthy and happy relationship.

C’mon ladies, you have it in you. Too busy for all that? Well, I don’t know what to tell ya. Goodluck?

Here are some books that will help you better understand yourself and your world. Topics about shame, about handling pressure, about resiliency and personal growth. Go get em!

1. Performing under pressure by Hendrie Weisinger and J.P. Pawliw-Fry

2. Don’t waste your life by John Piper

3. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

4. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

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