Suggested read:
“Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives” by Laura Schlessinger

Growing up in a traditional Asian household the one major theme had always been ‘guilt’. Not saying all traditional households were this way, but if you polled 10 families with similar educational and immigrant backgrounds you will likely find more than half of the households that used (or still uses) ‘guilt’ as a way to get things done.

If you didn’t do exactly or accomplish what was asked of you (got a ‘B’ rather than an ‘A’ in an AP math or science class), you may have been told you did something wrong even if you did your best or maybe you couldn’t focus cause your parents got into a huge argument the week of your exams- where it counted more than the hard work you did 90% of the semester. Things out of your control were pinned to your record.

I didn’t realize how much this affected my adult life and ultimately my dating life. This is no way an excuse for misbehavior. We’re adults we need to handle our problems and deal with it. I use to think I could handle all problems and handle any kind of woman in my life. I now know that that’s just the ego and pride talking. I’m a great problem solver but I can’t solve all problems.

Majority of the women I’ve had the pleasure of meeting were/are wonderful individuals. They were loving, caring, and sensitive. I rejected them because it wasn’t what I was use to (sounds weird to even write I rejected all that good stuff). But the women I got comfortable with very quickly provided for me an atmosphere like that of my childhood: full of guilt and shame. We all have our problems and some of us deal with it while others run from it. There ARE women out there who are mature and have a handle on their lives. Maybe you’re not attracting the right women cause you have not gotten a handle on your problems yourself? I speak for myself too, of course.

The difference now? I could not control my childhood but I sure as hell can control my adulthood. You can, too. In “male words” good men can be driven to do bad things when placed in bad situations (“can” doesn’t mean “always”- otherwise that would be an excuse). But good men must also be wise men. Below I discuss some signs to watch out for. Like all my posts take my advice with a grain of salt, a dab of reading, and douse the whole lot with your own experiences.

1. She is disappointed at something out of your control. Was it in your control? Be honest with yourself. If it was within your control apologize and learn from it.

2. When she is unhappy it’s something you did. This is tricky. Because you may have overlooked something here. I would look up ‘Co-dependency’ on the Internet and read about the signs and solutions from credible sources.

3. She gets upset when you share negative feelings that may or may not have to do with her. If she did something to upset you and you share it respectfully and openly, she gets upset that you’re making her feel bad. Make sure you actually share your feelings respectfully and openly. Rule out that ‘how you share your feelings’ isn’t the problem.

At the end of the day the responsibility for your own happiness is on you. The responsibility of a relationship is shared by two people but your own happiness and peace is entirely up to you. If you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t working, be honest. She’s not your mom. You don’t HAVE TO put up with her. You are not perfect but it is not healthy to blame your reactions or imperfections on her behavior. Have the courage to walk away, as I have been learning and relearning with each experience. Cheers to you and your happy future!

Below is a checklist. Enjoy!

1. Check your outfit
   i. Check your fly- seriously. when I’m nervous I forget the simplest things like zipping myself up after I put on my pants. And I am always nervous before a date. If I’m not nervous…well, i rarely go on dates when the person doesn’t make me a little nervous.
  ii. Check your collar- just make sure it’s the way you like it.

2. Check your image.
  i. Nose hair
  ii. Teeth
  iii. Fingernails
  iv. Smell- I like HUGO BOSS cologne ($80 for a bottle)

3. Check yourself.
Why are you going on this date? To have fun? To get laid? To find your soulmate?

If you are reading my blog then your goal should always be to have fun and pursue happiness.

If you want to get laid on a first date, please leave my website. Nothing against sex, but I don’t share your mentality or life goals.

If you want to find your soulmate, you should use a matchmaking service. They usually do a pretty good job about finding someone who fits you.

4. Check time.
Make sure you show up early to get the scoop on the place. How long is the wait? How’s parking? Any activities there you could do after the date? What’s on the menu?

5. Check your insecurities.
We ALL have insecurities. If someone has it all, this person is likely to be very afraid of that inevitable end that all humanity shares. So relax.

Your insecurities do not make you who you are. It’s what you do. Maybe you’re not the tallest in the room. Maybe you’re not proud of your past or where you are in life now. Maybe you’re in want in something. We all have one insecurity that drives us to the other end of happiness. Be strong.

You are someone’s son. You are more than a job or a station in life. You are a professional athlete in your mind but a weekend warrior in truth. You are a musician. You like board games. You enjoy live music. You enjoy details. You enjoy art. You love animals. You once owned turtles. You once saw something awesome. You are a dreamer. You are realistic. You like rain. You like the sound of crashing waves. You like the smell of Fall over Summer. You like Halloween over Christmas because it’s more creative and less materialistic.

Know the ‘why’ to the above. If your answer is ‘just because’ then you need to dig deeper or create for yourself some deeper meaning.

Have fun. Enjoy yourself. You’re alive because your hearts beats. If nothing else then provide her with the blessing of being close to a living soul. If you’ve ever felt loneliness then you would understand the value of just being around a living being. Ready. Set…

Being someone’s rebound sucks. You’ll find yourself giving more than receiving. When an individual is insecure and vulnerable, she (or he for that matter) can also be the most endearing and seductive. Some people shy away when they are insecure and vulnerable while others grasp onto the first person in whom they find emotional security.

So how do you avoid being someone’s rebound? It’s impossible to completely tell sometimes but here are two things to look out for during the first 2 months:

1. She just broke up (obviously).
‘Just’ is a relative term. Some people take a week to get over a break up while others take months if not years. Does she still have ‘bad days’ where her past romances affect her present moods? Does she talk about her past romances? Does she behave off of fears developed from past romances?
Action steps: stay friends and keep your distance. Let her get over those feelings before getting into something romantic with her.

2. You don’t give her enough attention.
First of all, we all seek attention in our own ways. Some more than others. If you’re giving her as much attention as you can right now and it’s not enough, then you might want to consider the viability of your relationship. Coming out of any serious relationship most people experience a huge void in emotional fulfilment. It is nearly impossible to get that emotional fulfilment from a ‘new guy’ because emotional fulfillment takes time to build. If within a year of being in this relationship you already sense you are ‘not enough’, she will likely fill that void elsewhere. If she doesn’t fill that void elsewhere then you will likely feel the pressure or frustration of having to give more. Question is, can you give more? Are you at a point in your life where you can give more?
Action steps: take it slow from the beginning. Emotional intimacy takes time to build. Let the emotional lead the physical intimacy. If you feel like you’re not giving enough attention, have a discussion on what is enough and what you are currently capable of providing.

3. She is seeking comfort rather than stability.
I’ve learned that there is a huge difference between comfort and stability. Comfort is a mental state of being whereas stability is an emotional state of being. Comfort is what you experience once you have emotional stability. The mind freaks out when thoughts become overwhelmingly emotional. The mind calms down when you have emotional stability- and thus comfort.
Stability takes time to develop. Stability requires adjustment and flexibility (the only constant thing in life is change). If she resists adjustment she might be seeking the same kind of comfort she once had with someone else- a comfort that was developed over time.
Action steps: Discuss what you both need to feel secure and loved. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t let things heat up to a boil. It’s like cooking rice noodles: pay attention and let off steam little by little rather than let the water boil out of the pot and make a mess (Asian enough for ya?).

I suppose I’m lucky (or not lucky quick enough, depends who you talk to) to finally realize one key ingredient to being happy with a woman. Stop trying to understand her. Oscar Wilde once said: women are meant to be loved,  not to be understood.

Hold on. Don’t get me wrong. I can see how some people might see the above commentary as belittling of women. If you work with women, understand them as individuals. Expect them to be what they ought to be as professionals.   However if you are in a relationship with a woman, love her for who she is and not what you want her to be. If her faults are so unbearable then you either haven’t learned how to love or you shouldn’t be dating her.

I was laughing in my head as I wrote the statement above. Laughing because I can imagine ex-gfs reading this and thinking, “he’s full of it!” I didn’t always think this way. It’s funny how life can change so drastically. One day you wake up and discover someone you love has cancer but you cry about it 2 years later. Another day you wake up and you get a job or acceptance letter that changes the course of your life. And one day you won’t wake up.

One day I woke up and I fell in love. I couldn’t explain it. Every fiber of my body screamed true. It wasn’t lust; I had no perverse thoughts toward this girl. It wasn’t infatuation; I wasn’t blinded by my feelings because I saw all her faults and all her shortcomings and I could emotionally overlook them. She didn’t feel the same way. I am old enough to know that timing is everything. I am also old enough to know you cannot change how people feel or have your feelings be attached to how someone else feels- that’s called ‘emotional dependency’. But like all things in my life, God gave me this experience at the right moment. With this experience I finally learned how to love a woman. What a great gift right before my birthday, a day I share with Oscar Wilde.

This blog was never about picking up women and it never will be. This blog was about relationships. But now this blog will transform more into how to find/appreciate/grasp/nurture love.

Below I share how I think and behave now and what I think you should do as well:

1. Love her.
Why go on a date with someone you’re not excited about? It’s not a job. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But if you do, go at it 100% Love her for her life experiences. For how she chooses to look. For the way she looks at you. For the way you look at her. For the way she makes you feel. If you are from a super wealthy family, you might want to consult your family accountant or your mom before you fall in love with a girl. They might see marriage very differently than that stated here.

2. Her shortcomings.
Overlook them. You’re not perfect either. Again this applies to women you want to date, not with women in the work place.

3. Her emotional rides.
I am gonna get either a lot of hate mail for this or a very long hate mail from a couple of my critics. I’ve learned that riding the ups and downs with a woman is not good. The key is to be the conductor. Smile. Hug. Console. Wait. In that order.

4. Just wait.
She WILL get upset with you at one point. It’s almost certain. Just breathe. Turn your body to face her if she wants to talk about it. Listen. Don’t smile. Women are amazing creatures. Most (not all) only get upset at the men they care about. Men we can get upset at anything- some call it ‘ego’ I think it’s just part of being a man. Give her space, if she doesn’t want to talk. She’ll come around. Mature women rarely just ‘let something go’ with men they care about. Women who want you to do something to make them happy when they are upset are VERY BAD for your health. Date them at your own risk.

If someone at work is upset with you they better have a reason. And if that reason has nothing to do with YOU doing your job better, that person better keep their feelings to themselves.

5. Forgive yourself.
You’re not perfect. She doesn’t want you to be. The only perfect dudes I know are players. Wise women know this. I realized that the women I’ve dated were NEVER the first to point out my faults. I allowed for my shortcomings and my insecurities about my faults to affect my relationships. As a result my faults became exposed wounds rather than marks of wisdom. Find you. Do you. No matter how lowly or how great you think you are, someone out there in the vast ocean made up of 7 billion people there is a woman who will think you are great. Don’t change her mind for her by letting your insecurities affect your behavior. Forgive yourself. Get help if needed.

Remember, love is patient. Find love and ‘hold the line’ at all cost. Become strong enough for love. Don’t try and become ‘worthy’ of love. You are worthy of love the moment you were borned.


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