“Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives” by Laura Schlessinger
Growing up in a traditional Asian household the one major theme had always been ‘guilt’. Not saying all traditional households were this way, but if you polled 10 families with similar educational and immigrant backgrounds you will likely find more than half of the households that used (or still uses) ‘guilt’ as a way to get things done.
If you didn’t do exactly or accomplish what was asked of you (got a ‘B’ rather than an ‘A’ in an AP math or science class), you may have been told you did something wrong even if you did your best or maybe you couldn’t focus cause your parents got into a huge argument the week of your exams- where it counted more than the hard work you did 90% of the semester. Things out of your control were pinned to your record.
I didn’t realize how much this affected my adult life and ultimately my dating life. This is no way an excuse for misbehavior. We’re adults we need to handle our problems and deal with it. I use to think I could handle all problems and handle any kind of woman in my life. I now know that that’s just the ego and pride talking. I’m a great problem solver but I can’t solve all problems.
Majority of the women I’ve had the pleasure of meeting were/are wonderful individuals. They were loving, caring, and sensitive. I rejected them because it wasn’t what I was use to (sounds weird to even write I rejected all that good stuff). But the women I got comfortable with very quickly provided for me an atmosphere like that of my childhood: full of guilt and shame. We all have our problems and some of us deal with it while others run from it. There ARE women out there who are mature and have a handle on their lives. Maybe you’re not attracting the right women cause you have not gotten a handle on your problems yourself? I speak for myself too, of course.
The difference now? I could not control my childhood but I sure as hell can control my adulthood. You can, too. In “male words” good men can be driven to do bad things when placed in bad situations (“can” doesn’t mean “always”- otherwise that would be an excuse). But good men must also be wise men. Below I discuss some signs to watch out for. Like all my posts take my advice with a grain of salt, a dab of reading, and douse the whole lot with your own experiences.
1. She is disappointed at something out of your control. Was it in your control? Be honest with yourself. If it was within your control apologize and learn from it.
2. When she is unhappy it’s something you did. This is tricky. Because you may have overlooked something here. I would look up ‘Co-dependency’ on the Internet and read about the signs and solutions from credible sources.
3. She gets upset when you share negative feelings that may or may not have to do with her. If she did something to upset you and you share it respectfully and openly, she gets upset that you’re making her feel bad. Make sure you actually share your feelings respectfully and openly. Rule out that ‘how you share your feelings’ isn’t the problem.
At the end of the day the responsibility for your own happiness is on you. The responsibility of a relationship is shared by two people but your own happiness and peace is entirely up to you. If you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t working, be honest. She’s not your mom. You don’t HAVE TO put up with her. You are not perfect but it is not healthy to blame your reactions or imperfections on her behavior. Have the courage to walk away, as I have been learning and relearning with each experience. Cheers to you and your happy future!