I suppose I’m lucky (or not lucky quick enough, depends who you talk to) to finally realize one key ingredient to being happy with a woman. Stop trying to understand her. Oscar Wilde once said: women are meant to be loved,  not to be understood.

Hold on. Don’t get me wrong. I can see how some people might see the above commentary as belittling of women. If you work with women, understand them as individuals. Expect them to be what they ought to be as professionals.   However if you are in a relationship with a woman, love her for who she is and not what you want her to be. If her faults are so unbearable then you either haven’t learned how to love or you shouldn’t be dating her.

I was laughing in my head as I wrote the statement above. Laughing because I can imagine ex-gfs reading this and thinking, “he’s full of it!” I didn’t always think this way. It’s funny how life can change so drastically. One day you wake up and discover someone you love has cancer but you cry about it 2 years later. Another day you wake up and you get a job or acceptance letter that changes the course of your life. And one day you won’t wake up.

One day I woke up and I fell in love. I couldn’t explain it. Every fiber of my body screamed true. It wasn’t lust; I had no perverse thoughts toward this girl. It wasn’t infatuation; I wasn’t blinded by my feelings because I saw all her faults and all her shortcomings and I could emotionally overlook them. She didn’t feel the same way. I am old enough to know that timing is everything. I am also old enough to know you cannot change how people feel or have your feelings be attached to how someone else feels- that’s called ‘emotional dependency’. But like all things in my life, God gave me this experience at the right moment. With this experience I finally learned how to love a woman. What a great gift right before my birthday, a day I share with Oscar Wilde.

This blog was never about picking up women and it never will be. This blog was about relationships. But now this blog will transform more into how to find/appreciate/grasp/nurture love.

Below I share how I think and behave now and what I think you should do as well:

1. Love her.
Why go on a date with someone you’re not excited about? It’s not a job. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But if you do, go at it 100% Love her for her life experiences. For how she chooses to look. For the way she looks at you. For the way you look at her. For the way she makes you feel. If you are from a super wealthy family, you might want to consult your family accountant or your mom before you fall in love with a girl. They might see marriage very differently than that stated here.

2. Her shortcomings.
Overlook them. You’re not perfect either. Again this applies to women you want to date, not with women in the work place.

3. Her emotional rides.
I am gonna get either a lot of hate mail for this or a very long hate mail from a couple of my critics. I’ve learned that riding the ups and downs with a woman is not good. The key is to be the conductor. Smile. Hug. Console. Wait. In that order.

4. Just wait.
She WILL get upset with you at one point. It’s almost certain. Just breathe. Turn your body to face her if she wants to talk about it. Listen. Don’t smile. Women are amazing creatures. Most (not all) only get upset at the men they care about. Men we can get upset at anything- some call it ‘ego’ I think it’s just part of being a man. Give her space, if she doesn’t want to talk. She’ll come around. Mature women rarely just ‘let something go’ with men they care about. Women who want you to do something to make them happy when they are upset are VERY BAD for your health. Date them at your own risk.

If someone at work is upset with you they better have a reason. And if that reason has nothing to do with YOU doing your job better, that person better keep their feelings to themselves.

5. Forgive yourself.
You’re not perfect. She doesn’t want you to be. The only perfect dudes I know are players. Wise women know this. I realized that the women I’ve dated were NEVER the first to point out my faults. I allowed for my shortcomings and my insecurities about my faults to affect my relationships. As a result my faults became exposed wounds rather than marks of wisdom. Find you. Do you. No matter how lowly or how great you think you are, someone out there in the vast ocean made up of 7 billion people there is a woman who will think you are great. Don’t change her mind for her by letting your insecurities affect your behavior. Forgive yourself. Get help if needed.

Remember, love is patient. Find love and ‘hold the line’ at all cost. Become strong enough for love. Don’t try and become ‘worthy’ of love. You are worthy of love the moment you were borned.

I want to marry you.
I can see us together.
I can see myself marrying you.

Men and women both say the words above; maybe more men than women. When you say those words make it clear whether you mean you see a relationship working out because it makes sense or because you love this person or both. Preferably it’s both when you say those words.

Don’t say those words to gain affection. Don’t say those words if they may misunderstand due to different cultural expectations or different upbringing.

Look, love is difficult enough. Marriage is easy: sign some papers and pay for a wedding. Making a marriage work in the 21st century- where meeting people from all over the world is easy- requires love and hard work. Love that endures. Love that trusts. Love that focuses one’s affection and attention on that one individual who makes the hard work worthwhile.

Don’t lead women on. Dudes, most of us get over things much easier, though some men have a more difficult time. Women however are wired differently. Some can completely overcome their hurt, some hide it, and some let it affect their lives for a while.

Be responsible. Be a man. Earn her attention organically and by being her friend (e.g., on dates, caring for what’s important to them). Save good-sounding and loving words for when you have a trusting relationship.

Okay, chill out. For every Asian woman I met who isn’t into Asian guys I know 10 others who are. Out of those 10 at least half of them prefer only Asian guys.

I’ve seen so many guys get distracted by the reality that not every Asian woman will be into Asian men. I am bringing this up because it appears to me like there are underlying feelings of inadequacy.

Below are some possible feelings of inadequacy and my suggested solutions.

1. Physically weak. Get a gym membership. Join a martial arts class like jujitsu or muay thai (cardio kickboxing IS NOT martial arts).

2. Shorter. Men who are physically shorter can appear like giants. Have a big heart and volunteer. Have guts and try something adventurous. Have balls and stand up to people who put you down.

3. Heartbroken. Did some girl tell you she broke up with you because of something YOU lacked? Truth most likely is, you lacked that something FOR HER only. Don’t categorize her as “gold digger” or “crazy”, she just has her own preferences. I am assuming you have ambitions and goals as well as a job.

4. Not “handsome”. God made you the way you are. Be proud of that. Truth is, how you dress, the way you carry yourself and attention to detail will attract more women than your facial structure. Get yourself nicely fitted suits in dark blue, light grey, and dark grey. Get yourself 5 or 6 fitted shirts (e.g., Penguin) and 5 or 6 nice Polo shirts (e.g., American Eagle). Get yourself couple nicely fitted jeans from a department store and get it tailored at the store or at a tailor shop. Wear those clothes at home to practice carrying yourself proudly. Women practice wearing heels and how to present themselves. Why can’t/shouldn’t men do the same?

Life is short. Really goddamn short. Spend your short time brazenly pushing forward to new heights of happiness. Stop trippin’ over what could have been or ought to have been. Thrive,  my friend!

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