Therapy

I am going to make myself completely vulnerable here for the sake of kick starting the healing process from the often hidden hurt that Asian American males experience. Perhaps my open expression will hurt my businesses and cast a stigma on me. Well, I am not here to just build great money-making businesses. I am here on this earth to be great and I strongly believe Ghandi’s words “that man becomes great exactly in the degree in which he works for the welfare of his fellow man.”

In Asia, if you receive therapy you might be branded as having mental illness or having some kind of terminal illness. Caring for mental well being (e.g., dealing with past hurt, overcoming anger, stress, anxiety, etc.) is not the same of curing mental illness (e.g., schizophrenia, Parkinson’s disease, etc). That stigma is changing in Asia. But know this: America is totally different than Asia (thank God) and in America it is admirable to seek self-improvement (some women find that sexy as hell).

In America, people who do great things often seek the help of psychologists. Let me give you one of many great examples: Lakers’ forward Meta World Peace. He went from being one of the most hated players in the NBA to becoming one of the most lovable. He dealt with his anger and became a champion. Perhaps he’s just that special. Perhaps he got better cause he has a lot of money to afford the best therapy. Perhaps this, perhaps that. You will never know how special (or how not special you are- for you cynics out there) unless you allow yourself to attempt to reach your full potential. I’m not gonna give you all that crap about how special you are. I’m saying attempt to give yourself a fair attempt at reaching a higher potential (two steps removed from actually striving for your potential). You cannot say you are a slow runner if you never improve your physical shape. You cannot say you are just the way you are if you don’t attempt to improve your mental well being.

Let’s get something straight here: I am not one to give excuses. If you have emotional conflicts or mental blocks, seek help. Don’t use it as an excuse for your lack of growth or your failures. Keep pushing yourself.

Maybe you’ve got anger from being treated harshly as a child. Maybe you have anger from feeling racism and having to suppress that rage. Maybe you’re dad wasn’t around. Maybe you were mistreated by peers. Maybe you were belittled and now think you are what they say you are. I’m here to tell you- no, I’m here to testify- that you can speak up and speak out.

I’ve been there. All the above has happened to me. I overcame it by waking up one day and just fed up with where I was in life emotionally and emboldened by the fact that I knew I could be at least a little bit better than what I was. I wasn’t interested in being a lot better, I just wanted to get a little bit better. Not let the smallest insecurities throw off my day. So I sought help. Five years later, by doing something good for my mental well being a few hours a week adds up to more self-improvement than most people experience in their lifetimes. 

There are lots of services out there. Another great thing in America is that we have strict laws to protect people’s privacy and confidentiality (e.g., HIPAA). If any healthcare provider breaks silence and your information is shared inadvertently or purposefully, you can likely sue their pants off. So relax. Besides if someone makes fun of you for seeking therapy, give me a call and I will set them straight. I mean it.

Below are some services that I think could help:

1. (FREE) SHARE LA: http://www.shareselfhelp.org

2. (LOW COST) Pepperdine University therapy program: http://gsep.pepperdine.edu/clinics/west-los-angeles.

3. (ONLINE RESOURCE) 10 happiness tips: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt

4. (ONLINE RESOURCE) How to cope with emotional pain: http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Emotional-Pain

5. (VARIABLE COST) Specialized services: search for psychologists and people with “MFT” (or Marriage and Family Therapy) degrees.

NOTE: psychologists vs. psychiatrists. Psychologists are those with PsyD degrees and are NOT physicians. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who’ve gone to medical school and had special training; they often treat more serious mental health issues (e.g., Schizophrenia, developmental disabilities, etc.). If you do not have a diagnosed mental illness, psychologists tend to be good resources.

6. (VARIABLE COST) Primary care physicians. Look on your insurance card for your primary care physician phone number. They are sometimes the best people to go to for seeking resources for effective therapy. If you don’t have a physician listed on your insurance card, call your insurance company. If you don’t have insurance, there are several community groups that have free-of-charge sessions. Do a quick Google search for therapy and/or help groups in your area. Do it. Go for it. You have nothing to lose and only the world the gain.

Lastly, if you have any thoughts of hurting yourself and others, please please please give this number a call. It is completely confidential and you can be honest about your thoughts:

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

One for the ladies: that guy and that girl in the mirror

There are guys who are nice to you and then there are guys that are ‘nice’ to you. Some of you are too young- and 40 years old is young these days if you lack life experience- to know the difference. That guy that’s being ‘nice’ to you by pumping you up and making you feel powerful and never arguing against you; BEWARE. Some of you get hurt by guys who are ‘nice’ to you and you think all men suck and harbor a selective cynicism towards certain groups of men. No, I’m not gonna explain what ‘nice’ means.

A female friend who is very accomplished in all that she does, happily married, and very vocal said to me that “so many women confuse ‘independence’ with just outrageous freedom to imagine things and forcing them upon people around her.”

My goodness I could not have said it better. Growing up I was taught that men don’t talk back to women, it’s disrespectful- and I absolutely disagree with that sentiment. But what happens when you act disrespectfully to a man? Some of you are too young to know that that doesn’t work in relationships, where a man stays silent when he sees wrong. Where one person can have all the freedom she wants to speak and yet won’t accept a thing said back to her. If you are being disrespectful, should a man calmly speak to you? Why? Because you’re a woman? If a man speaks disrespectfully to me or unjustly attacks me, you can guarantee I will fight back with words. So perhaps men shouldn’t fight back because you’re a woman? Isn’t that belittling you if men coddle you? Isn’t that treating you differently because you’re a woman? I’m not encouraging men to always fight back with words. A man and woman can have and should have respectful arguments and disagreements; but when you become disrespectful with your words or actions, why should a man with self-respect and dignity allow himself to suffer verbal abuse?

If a man corrects you in a respectful manner, he’s showing respect for you as an individual who is capable of change; not infringing on your freedoms.

If a man is always in agreement with you and tries to woo you with words, that’s not love. Love is action, not feeling. Some of you are too young to realize that. I have seen the negative consequences of relationships where love is solely a feeling backed by very little action.

If you expect to be able to speak freely and that power being solely yours, well princess, adopt a dog (or cat).

About me

I have been asked many times: if you have a dating blog, why are you single? Usually people laugh while they are saying this. As if mocking my credibility. As if having a girlfriend or being married validates what I’m saying. These are usually the people who don’t understand what kind of dating life they are involved in. My goal is to help people NOT TO JUST GET to marriage, but to thrive in one and find someone who they can grow with for the rest of their lives. There are certain fundamentals, like in all things, that must be observed. The dating game is part of that equation.

Most people just want to get married, and see that as a goal. I want to marry AND stay married until my last breath. Idealist? I think not. Maybe our idea of dating and process of mate-searching needs adjustment.

I am single because I have come to know with better certainty what I want. I know who I am and what I need. Know thyself. I don’t want to get into more relationships if I know after a while that this person and I are not compatible. But I definitely give all relationships and friendships a fair chance. I never rule out something just cause she has a mole, or I don’t like her nose, or she laughs awkwardly, etc. etc. etc. I look at her heart because my heart yearns with passion; will she quell mine or be able to live beside mine. I am comfortable with my 5’10 inches (okay okay 5’9.5″) frame, my muscle mass, and my voice. Because I am comfortable, I allow my passion to flow more freely. Will she minimize my needs or share with me hers and understand mine? God is on my mind all day long, can she accept that?

Even if she fits my needs and I fit hers now, the timing has to be right. Committed relationships end in marriage or break-up. I’m not ready for marriage because I don’t think I have enough cash. Simple as that. If I’m not ready for marriage, I shouldn’t enter into a relationship and hope for the best. I know how financial instability can affect a family, I don’t want to take any risks. Is it wrong to depend my marriageability on finances? No! Most of us need to think more clearly before we enter into financial obligations (e.g., kids).

Does that mean I don’t date or won’t date? No. Because I might very well tomorrow change my mind. Know thyself. I am confident that my cash flow will change soon with all the lucrative endeavors I am involved in. But not yet. Love is patient.

Yes, I do get lonely. I do wish to have a soft soul around sometime. I have needs that a 20-some-year-old male should have. But I will not let my own needs be placed above a woman’s- which I know can be, though not always, about getting married. I’m trying to walk the walk, that love is not a feeling, but action. If I am not the right person to love a woman romantically, I will love her as a male friend should.

Don’t give me that: cars

“I don’t want a girl who wants me for my money.” Don’t give me that.

Women (and men) want security. Security is gained mostly by money; no, who are we kidding, security is gained ENTIRELY by money. Therefore, women (and men) want money. The people who will argue against this last statement are usually kids- aka young adults- who are living off their parents dime or have never hit any serious situations in life.

HOLD ON A MINUTE: this post is intended for young adult males who are out of college and focused on their careers. If you are in college, focus on school and not on making money (unless you have a great business idea, then go for it!).

Get yourself a nice car. It shows you have some form of security. Notice, I said ‘some form’, hopefully you have a savings as well. Middle class folks nowadays can afford Lexus, BMW, and MB. Don’t be so cheap. If you want to date high-class women (e.g., educated, have personality, cares about outer appearance, etc.), you gotta pick her up in a chariot, not a wheel barrel. Perhaps you’re afraid you’ll attract the wrong kind of girls. Well, with a wheel barrel you’ll surely attract the wrong kind of girls as well. The “wrong kind” of girls are the ones who don’t care about your interests, don’t respect you, and don’t open up to you. If she cares about the car you drive, she probably cares about how you present yourself (which you should care about as well) and how she presents herself. That’s not entirely a bad thing. However, taken to an extreme, caring about outer appearances too much can be bad, so is eating too much spinach or drinking too much water. All about balance.

Where to get nice cars like a wise guy:

1. CarMax. They don’t bargain and often give below Kelly Blue Book prices. They offer all sorts of financing. Plus they do the same certification as Certified Used Luxury car lots.

2. Friends. Maybe they are selling their car due to having to move, upgrading, need the cash, etc.

Where NOT to buy luxury cars:

1. Dealers. Overpriced. Must haggle.

2. Craigslist. Don’t need to explain.

3. San Gabriel Valley used card lots. Ask me about this one.

How to find financing:

1. Alumni Association. If you are not already a life-time member of your University’s alumni association, join it. It’ll pay off down the road no matter what field you are in.

2. University Credit Union. Credit unions have stipulations, but often offer better rates than brand banks. 

3. Bank where you’ve held an account for 10+ years. This is last resort. You need to know how to talk and charm the bank. However, a lot of your financing options will depend on your credit score.

NOTE: I’m not an expert on finances, loans, and cars. I’m just taking advantage of my American right to freedom of speech and speaking out of past-personal experience.

Don’t give me that: outer appearance

I need to reiterate the objective of this blog. I find a relationship/marriage successful that ends with ’till death do us part’. I’m looking to help Asian American men (and women) who are looking for lifelong and meaningful partnership. Too often we find ourselves in relationships that work for the moment, but not in the long run.

With that said. Outer appearance matters. Period. You may think you don’t care about outer appearances, but you probably haven’t hit your mid-life crisis and perhaps you are still in your honeymoon phase with some chick or you’ve had a dry spell for a while.

I often hear guys saying that “pretty girls” are shallow, unintelligent, blah blah blah. Dude, You. Are. Wrong. Maybe you’re just saying that because you fear rejection, so it’s better to reject first rather than be rejected. BS! Grow some balls.

First of all, what is “pretty”. When I was 20 years old I cared what my boys said. But in hindsight I’ve realized that I was the one dating those girls, not them. Beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder. Find a girl that makes you happy. But you have to first be happy with yourself. Being born the male gender within the human race, you’ll be happy around a girl who pampers herself a little bit and gets “dolled” up to go out.

My grandmother never leaves the house unkempt. Even to this day, she does not. She always presents her best self. Sure, she’s retired. But even before her retirement, I’ve never seen her unkempt. She’s confident at home and outside the home. How we present ourselves to the world is often how we feel about ourselves. I don’t leave the house without wearing accessories (e.g., that bold tie, leather strap watch, shined shoes, etc.) that express myself. Perhaps some women don’t have the time to doll themselves up because of career, etc. BS!!! Unless you are a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, one can always find time.

Why am I discussing this issue? I’ve noticed men ‘settling’ for women who either partied too much when they were young and now look 10 years older than they are or women who just do not have a clue how to “doll” themselves up. Isn’t that odd? I think perhaps some men were once jaded by a “pretty girl” or just too scared to talk to them.

Men and women are not equal, but we should respect each other equally. Men shouldn’t focus too much attention on looks and should focus energy on developing their careers while they are young and single- qualities that turn women on. This is not necessarily saying women shouldn’t do those same things, but those things do not turn men on. Women can’t force us men against our nature, which is that we like a pretty face, a nice dress, silky hair, smooth legs, etc.

Outer appearance is and should be the first thing you look at. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed of that. Women may not like that statement, but um, remember you’re the one dating them girls not the women, so who cares what women might say? With all that said, if outer appearance is ALL that you are looking at, beware!

Three-day rule

Let’s say you acquire a girl’s number. Do you call the next day or three days later. There is no such thing as a three-day rule, in my opinion. I’ve never followed it and it’s never been a problem for me. It’s not WHAT you do, it’s HOW you do that matters.

The next day, don’t call; text. Perhaps a decade ago texting seemed like a timid way of reaching out to her. But these days, it’s a way to give her some space and time to respond. Let her know it was nice meeting her. There are two ways this could play out:

1. She responds within 24 hours. Let her know you would like to take her out to dinner (don’t do lunch, that’s for friends). She says, “great”, or something similar. If she is a working girl, ask her if she would like to check her schedule and get back to you on when she is free; this shows you respect her time. THIS IS WHERE YOU CALL: after she gets back to you about which day she’s free and when you’ve found a restaurant, call and let her know and discuss time you will pick her up. Then cast your sails, and have some fun. Read my other posts on dating etiquette.

2. She does not respond within 24 hours. Look here. If you have female friends, observe their cell phone behavior. Every women I know check their phones at least once or twice every hour (some much more frequently). There is an off chance that she might not be a cell phone fanatic, but this is rare. If she does not respond within 24 hours, either you didn’t make that big of an impression on her or she’s just not that into you. DO NOT BUY into the whole “I was very busy” if she text you two or three (or more) days later. Move on dude. If she’s out of town, make sure you know through the natural course of conversation when she will return so you’re not texting her too soon and allowing your text to go stale.  Disclaimer: yea yea yea ‘what about this’, ‘what about that’, blah blah blah. I’m not speaking to the ones who are dating successfully (e.g., meeting quality women and have made some friends). I’m talking to the ones who start off poorly and end poorly. Her not responding to you right-from-the-start is a poor start.

Grandmothers

I will surely get a few chuckles from this post. But those who take this seriously and find success, I would like a steak and lobster dinner at your wedding, with all-I-can-drink mimosas, chocolate cake and Italian cappuccino for dessert. Thank you.

If you know anything about Asian grandmothers or if you have a relationship with your grandmother, you will agree with these facts:

1. They are nosy, in the best way possible

2. They gossip. A LOT.

3. They know everything about their grandchildren (e.g., income, work, habits, etc.)

4. Your income, houses you own, cars you drive will never be good enough unless you have kids (pets count against you)

5. Outward appearance is important to them (sometimes they sound superficial, but they have so many years of life experience that they must have a reason for saying so)

5. They know everything about their friends’ grandchildren

The last fact is what this post is about. No website, algorithm, or tool could ever replace gossip and daily fact finding that my grandma does with her friends over Mah-Jong, ping pong, or strolls at the park. If you are over 25 years old (younger for girls), no doubt your grandparents have spoken to you about getting married and having kids. Instead of avoiding this conversation, embrace it. Divorce rates in our grandparents generation was little to none; I’m not so sure that it is low BECAUSE divorce was not as much an option in their day, I believe they got ‘something’ right.

In the past, I have to say, the few women my grandmother has allowed to come my way have been some very amazing and loving individuals. I was too young to embrace it and too naive to take advantage of these situations for want of venturing on my own.

Action steps:

1. Call your grandmother (to just say ‘hello’, not to solicit assistance in the dating department). Keep in touch with her, as family should. Besides, she might be talking about you to her friends, who may have grandchildren you might meet coincidentally elsewhere.

2. If your grandmother have gone on to rest in peace, volunteer at a retirement home in your community. That’s the last place anyone goes to to meet people, but you’ll find yourself among some of the wisest people. Plus you’ll be proud of yourself for having done a great service to your community. At the VERY very least you can say to women you meet elsewhere that you volunteer at a retirement home.

I leave you with these wise words by Mahatma Ghandi: man becomes great exactly in the degree in which he works for the welfare of his fellow man. Women want great men, not perfect men. Become great while you’re looking for your future life partner.