There are two things that most (perhaps all) women love: hand holding and eye contact. This post is on eye contact. There are several important factors that make eye contact sexy: your facial expression, duration of eye contact, when you actually make eye contact, and how you look away. Some guys learn to do this artificially; but gentleman, the best kind of interactions are usually (mostly) the most organic ones.

Develop Eye Confidence in the Gym

I see a lot of dudes in the gym who could use some Eye Confidence. When they walk past another dude, they usually look away or look down. When I’m in the gym I make eye contact with those I walk past and I usually greet them. If they appear to be younger or at my age range, I give them a ‘What’s up’. If they appear older than me, I give them a nod and a “how you doing”. I always make eye contact, rather than look away or look straight ahead. It use to be uncomfortable, but like building muscle mass, building eye confidence takes practice.

When guys in the gym come up and ask me if I am done with the weights I am using, I look them in the eye and let them know how many sets I have left and that they can “work in” if they want. By giving them permission, I take control of the situation. The gym is a jungle- a more controlled setting of the real world jungle we live in. Learn to be king of the jungle, even if it’s momentary in the transient interactions you encounter.

Applying Eye Contact

When she’s talking about serious (e.g., her goals) or perhaps heavier topics (e.g., family), stop what you’re doing and look at her. Even if she is not looking back at you, she knows that you are looking at her. Eye contact above all else shows you are paying attention.

When I walk past women, I never look away. Even if they are not looking at me, I still say “how you doing”. We’re human beings. If they are walking past you then they are most likely alive (unless they are a ghost, in that case, I’m not sure what to do). Greet one another and acknowledge each other’s presence.

Keeping Eye Contact

Alright, here’s the truth. I’ve been extremely turned on before just simply during a nice conversation with intimate eye-to-eye contact. If you laughed after reading that comment, young man, GROW UP (On a side note, I hear often from younger guys about how much ‘play’ they get. Here is how you tell men apart from the boys: men have had unapologetic, unabashed, intense relationships with women whereas boys are still getting over puberty and the awesomeness of seeing a woman naked). If you are still laughing, keeping laughing. I guarantee you the women aren’t laughing.

Here are some tips:

  • Never look away first. Let her look away. Practice this by looking in your own eyes the entire time you brush your teeth. Two things happen during that exercise: you start to think of thoughts that affect your self-esteem or your mind if just blank. If your mind is the latter, think thoughts while maintaining eye contact
  • Always smile (organically) while looking at her. Or at least have a ‘happy’ facial expression. If the topic is heavy, keep a more solemn face. Social Skills 101, fellas.
  • When she is talking, make eye contact.
  • When another girl walks by while you are on a date NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER look at that other girl.

People got the dating game all wrong. Most people are trying to find “if” someone fits. They approach the ‘game’ with a checklist. What I find with checklists is that you focus on what’s missing rather than what’s there; ironic isn’t it?

The dating game ought to be about finding the ‘positives’ in every individual, not just the ones you are attracted to. Even if you do not find a girl immediately attractive, discover her qualities anyway. Here’s the game: for every ‘negative’ you find, you must find a ‘positive’. Often ‘negatives’ come out organically, but ‘positives’ are buried under stress, fear, and past hurt.

The world, our society, and the dating game are on the surface dirty and grimy. But beneath that dirt and grime are precious metals and qualities worth cherishing. Find it. That’s the dating game.

The best way to impress her, is ‘don’t impress her’. When I say ‘don’t impress her’, I don’t mean tell her all your bad qualities. What I mean is, don’t talk about yourself. Stick with two endeavors: ask about her and compliment her.

Asking about her will be another post, so stay tuned! Let’s discuss complimenting her. The first thing you must do is find your own confidence in complimenting yourself. Stand in front of a mirror, what do you see? A successful professional? A trust fund? A nice car? Look beyond that.

You’re definitely someone’s son; that’s a start. You definitely had a childhood; what did you LOVE doing as a child? Do you still do it? Look at your facial features; are you round, long, or sharp? Look at your hair, does it fit your facial features? Look at your muscle tone and body shape; are you happy with it? Look in your closet; do you simply have garments or do your clothes accentuate what you love about yourself?

An example of this kind of exercise:

Me. I am a son of two highly intelligent individuals. I loved racing on the bicycle around the block and I have a scar on the right hand from when I crashed at the tender age of 9. I loved the ’90s shows “Saved by the Bell” and “Family Matters”. I have a sharp chin. I couldn’t change my hair if I wanted to because it flows only in that direction. I will never be as big as the biggest guy in the gym, but I can be as strong as my body can handle- and that’s pretty damn strong. I like my athletic body shape. I love bright-colored polo shirts and they accentuate my shoulders quite well. I love my red Nike shoes because I have mostly solid and dark colored clothes, so the red-color shoes really stand out.

From this exercise you can start to see the picture of a whole person. For most women, they go through these thoughts on a daily basis. They have thought or continue to think about their features; and if they say they don’t they are mostly (definitely) lying. So let’s apply this exercise to her.

An example of this exercise on her:

Her. She’s a daughter, is she closer to her mom or dad? Why? Similar personalities? What is her personality (e.g., bubbly, calm, etc.). “I like that you’re bubbly/calm etc. because I am bubbly/calm…

She has put some time into making up her face. How does it make you feel when she smiles? Or perhaps her stoic face makes you feel steady (hey, some guys like stoic)? Does she have lipsticks? Are her lips shinny? Let her know you’ve noticed. “I love that red lipsticks you have on, it’s sexy“. Don’t be afraid to use the word “sexy” if it is true.

These are simply suggestions, of course. But start with yourself. A man who can show others respect must first respect himself. A man who can compliment others must first be comfortable with himself. Get into the habit of finding at least one thing positive about every individual.

 

 

 

No, no not what you think. I am here to encourage you.

What is a gold digger?

She has no or very little emotional connection to the man. She enjoys being 100% taken care of. She asks for gifts

What is healthy?

You are emotionally connected with the man. You enjoy being taken care of and you happily take care of him. You don’t ask for gifts but he brings you flowers. A man who buys you diamonds before marrying you, beware. The first diamond he buys you should be a ring.

Why shouldn’t you care about a man’s income? If you have your own career and you are independent, you should care for the man’s income. You want a man who could potentially take care of you and not risk the man being 100% dependent on you. Men will call women gold diggers anytime the woman discusses money. Those men are usually worried about money themselves. Either they don’t make enough or they make enough but have high cost-of-living.

I’m not saying there aren’t gold diggers out there. I’m just saying don’t associate yourself with them. It’s okay to let go of friends and find new ones. If you and another girl are both individuals with high class taste but she’s a gold digger and you’re not, you will be seen as one.

 

I have to reiterate this over and over. I suppose some people choose to ignore the statement emphasized below. So I will emphasis this statement with as many HTML-possible ways as possible: THIS BLOG IS NOT MEANT TO HELP HETEROSEXUAL ASIAN AMERICAN MEN GET LAID. This blog is meant to shed light on how best to approach the beginning, middle, and continuation of relationships.

I have been meeting the acquaintances of dudes who think too highly of themselves. They are guys who supposedly ‘get laid’, ‘get girls’, or some other grammatical permutation that hints (and only hints) at their manhood. (If you just want to ‘play the field’ or ‘get laid’, stop reading this blog now. It will be of little use to you). Not to judge them for their sexual prowess, because hey, more power to them. But these are confused individuals. You don’t say you are open to relationships if you simply find transient sexual encounters. It’s a black-and-white issue. I am addressingthis because I think some dudes do not know the catastrophic road on which they are traveling. Know thyself.

(Dude, your skills to get girls in your bed or give you their numbers has only a small fraction of an effect on the outcome of that budding friendship/relationship). How a man performs in bed and the first impression he makes are important. Men who are looking for serious commitment, the former shouldn’t happen right away or overnight. The latter is very important. I hear this from certain guys: I have no problems getting girls. These guys are usually single and in their 30’s. (Dude, we all need help. But to think that because you’ve dated many girls, you have no problems finding ‘that’ girl, you’re kidding yourself. If you really were that good at searching and screening and if you were perfect enough of an individual because of the self-improvement you’ve gone through, you’d be in a serious relationship).

Some men think of long term relationships as some abstract idea. Some men think about love as a feeling. Some men have no idea what relationships are. Some men have no idea between dating and soul-searching.

There is a formula for love. Where, how, and in whom we find love is very individualized. But there is a formula whereby two beating hearts can find one another. Just Google “love quotes” and you will find limitless amounts of quotations. In all the quotations love is always an action, never a feeling. That euphoric feeling is not love, but a deep “liking”. Love in action in our minds, in our daily lives, in our dreams, in our attitudes. It all starts with attitude.

(If you are a man in your 30’s, settled into a great career, open to a loving and healthy relationship, and you are still single, dude, look in the mirror and change yourself. Change your attitudes and your image in the mirror and you will find a reflection that brightens your life)

I am uniquely Asian and American. I am an American through and through, yet I have roots left in Taiwan. I was not displaced by war, by famine, by poverty. Quite the contrary. I immigrated here with my mom and younger brother, slept on the same bed for not sure how long, and lived in a modest 2BR/1BA apartment, the other room shared by what was until last year my step-father. My mom worked hard; earned double masters from University of Southern California. I still remember going to class with her and taking a nap in the back of those brick-layered college classrooms. We moved up, moved into a home, eventually moved into a home we purchased, then moved into a second home we purchased in northern California, lastly we comfortably moved back to southern California.

That all seems so straight forward. Perhaps it would seem like the typical Asian experience in America. But what was a typical experience for my Asian parents in America was a budding Asian American experience for me.

I have done well for myself. UCLA alumnus. Business owner- small but growing. Mentor. Community leader. Yelp Elite. Published epidemiologist. Voice for those with less of a voice. Taekwondo coach for special-needs children. Man of the house.

Why must my accomplishments be a consequence of my race? My accomplishments stem from the sole belief that I have equal right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If I were simply Asian and not so much American, I would still believe that I have certain rights to life, perhaps limited access to liberty (especially when it comes to projecting my voice), and that happiness could mostly be found back home. If I were simply Asian, I would have to qualify those unalienable rights with history from the Asian continent. But no. I am American and like some before me, both colored and white, I have a unrelenting desire to live that American creed to the fullest.

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Home

I grew up not knowing where my home really was. Home is an abstract term for me as an Asian American. I have neither a home in Asia nor a home here. My accomplishments have made me feel guilty about voicing outrage against the mockery that we Ching-Chongs often hear. It’s so common in certain settings that I have in the past just gotten used to it: Asians are this, Asians are that, Asians are blah blah blah.

My mom definitely knew that her home was in Taiwan. Her relatives, her elementary classroom, high-school exams, and undergraduate college dorms. Her childhood playground in the pumpkin fields. Her childhood water holes. Her childhood restaurants that are still there- thriving today. Her first date. The church where she got married. A place where her voice wasn’t just an accent or feminine sound. My home was there but I had to find that home here. Don’t get me wrong, I love the USA. Transformers every weekday morning before school, Egg-o, and cereal- not to forget the milk.

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Race laced childhood

My Asian race was an issue since 3rd grade, being told that Asians don’t play basketball by my mom and by playground attendants. When you’re a child, being told your race makes you bad at something you love to do, you start to look in the mirror and wonder ‘how in the world can I change that?’ I can work hard at school to get ‘B’ grades and yet was told I could work even harder to earn better grades but there was nothing I could do to change myself for the love of the game. It’s not about having a shot at the NBA, it’s about not being told that my race prevented me from doing something I loved. Because a child’s wonderful mind will think: what else does my race limit me from doing? 

I’m sure eventually I would have discovered that my 5’10” frame is not suited for basketball. But at least I would have found that out myself by the harsh reality of life and dealt with it rather than wonder if I could have been like Nate Robinson if I saw past my own skin color. Even if my kids are dwarfed by my lackluster height, I will not tell them they are unqualified for anything because of their skin color. I would rather my kids suffer the heartache of not being good enough than to wonder ‘could I do it if I were a different race’.

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When

I want to know, why must my voice and my outrage nullify or diminish the hurt, the suffering, and the history of other minority races? Are we not, as a nation, striving for a more perfect union by the example and actions of every citizen? Why must I quell the outrage I feel about government-funded projects that inadvertently (or so they say) mock Asian Americans because my outrage was merely against a poorly made video rather than high-powered water hoses or vicious dogs or whippings? Must I mention all the suffering of others before I could voice my concern over backwards thinking? If so, how will I ever address the present-day problems or create a more accepting society when America has yet to overcome some of the prejudice that other minority groups experience? Shall I take a number and wait? Shall I wait for a full-black American president to take office and not a half-white/half-black president? Shall I wait until the few in the LAPD stop racial profiling? Shall I wait until the jail system has less of certain minority races? Shall I wait until every ethnic group has equal opportunity to succeed in high school, to find a job, to access medical care? Shall I like a good Asian boy or a partial Christian suffer inwardly knowing others suffer with me and turn the other cheek? Or shall I thank God for blessing this nation not by mere words but by my actions and my desire to drive this God-blessed country closer to perfection, as I hope to do with my own soul?

When will be a good time to address the discrimination that I see against Asian Americans- however subtle or non-detrimental (as you see) it may be? When can I address the mockery that I experience and that others like me experience? When will this society be good enough with less problems so that my voice will finally matter? When can I say R.E.S.P.E.C.T. find out what it means to me? If you can tell me when by the projected outcomes of your doings, I will gladly wait. But I rather live like an American, cast away the excuses, with respect for others’ needs strive for a more perfect union. Now.

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Who am I

I am neither solely Asian nor completely culturally American. I am American by choice, not by birth. I am part of a new group of Americans, unlike my mom who is an Asian in America. If you are threatened by my existence and accomplishments, then better yours so that we become fierce competitors and not masters-and-servants. You get better, and so will I. I am uniquely Asian and American, or simply Asian American.

I am going to make myself completely vulnerable here for the sake of kick starting the healing process from the often hidden hurt that Asian American males experience. Perhaps my open expression will hurt my businesses and cast a stigma on me. Well, I am not here to just build great money-making businesses. I am here on this earth to be great and I strongly believe Ghandi’s words “that man becomes great exactly in the degree in which he works for the welfare of his fellow man.”

In Asia, if you receive therapy you might be branded as having mental illness or having some kind of terminal illness. Caring for mental well being (e.g., dealing with past hurt, overcoming anger, stress, anxiety, etc.) is not the same of curing mental illness (e.g., schizophrenia, Parkinson’s disease, etc). That stigma is changing in Asia. But know this: America is totally different than Asia (thank God) and in America it is admirable to seek self-improvement (some women find that sexy as hell).

In America, people who do great things often seek the help of psychologists. Let me give you one of many great examples: Lakers’ forward Meta World Peace. He went from being one of the most hated players in the NBA to becoming one of the most lovable. He dealt with his anger and became a champion. Perhaps he’s just that special. Perhaps he got better cause he has a lot of money to afford the best therapy. Perhaps this, perhaps that. You will never know how special (or how not special you are- for you cynics out there) unless you allow yourself to attempt to reach your full potential. I’m not gonna give you all that crap about how special you are. I’m saying attempt to give yourself a fair attempt at reaching a higher potential (two steps removed from actually striving for your potential). You cannot say you are a slow runner if you never improve your physical shape. You cannot say you are just the way you are if you don’t attempt to improve your mental well being.

Let’s get something straight here: I am not one to give excuses. If you have emotional conflicts or mental blocks, seek help. Don’t use it as an excuse for your lack of growth or your failures. Keep pushing yourself.

Maybe you’ve got anger from being treated harshly as a child. Maybe you have anger from feeling racism and having to suppress that rage. Maybe you’re dad wasn’t around. Maybe you were mistreated by peers. Maybe you were belittled and now think you are what they say you are. I’m here to tell you- no, I’m here to testify- that you can speak up and speak out.

I’ve been there. All the above has happened to me. I overcame it by waking up one day and just fed up with where I was in life emotionally and emboldened by the fact that I knew I could be at least a little bit better than what I was. I wasn’t interested in being a lot better, I just wanted to get a little bit better. Not let the smallest insecurities throw off my day. So I sought help. Five years later, by doing something good for my mental well being a few hours a week adds up to more self-improvement than most people experience in their lifetimes. 

There are lots of services out there. Another great thing in America is that we have strict laws to protect people’s privacy and confidentiality (e.g., HIPAA). If any healthcare provider breaks silence and your information is shared inadvertently or purposefully, you can likely sue their pants off. So relax. Besides if someone makes fun of you for seeking therapy, give me a call and I will set them straight. I mean it.

Below are some services that I think could help:

1. (FREE) SHARE LA: http://www.shareselfhelp.org

2. (LOW COST) Pepperdine University therapy program: http://gsep.pepperdine.edu/clinics/west-los-angeles.

3. (ONLINE RESOURCE) 10 happiness tips: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt

4. (ONLINE RESOURCE) A trusted non-profit resource http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

5. (ONLINE RESOURCE) How to cope with emotional pain: http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Emotional-Pain

6. (VARIABLE COST) Specialized services: search for psychologists and people with “MFT” (or Marriage and Family Therapy) degrees.

NOTE: psychologists vs. psychiatrists. Psychologists are those with PsyD degrees and are NOT physicians. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who’ve gone to medical school and had special training; they often treat more serious mental health issues (e.g., Schizophrenia, developmental disabilities, etc.). If you do not have a diagnosed mental illness, psychologists tend to be good resources.

7. (VARIABLE COST) Primary care physicians. Look on your insurance card for your primary care physician phone number. They are sometimes the best people to go to for seeking resources for effective therapy. If you don’t have a physician listed on your insurance card, call your insurance company. If you don’t have insurance, there are several community groups that have free-of-charge sessions. Do a quick Google search for therapy and/or help groups in your area. Do it. Go for it. You have nothing to lose and only the world the gain.

Lastly, if you have any thoughts of hurting yourself and others, please please please give this number a call. It is completely confidential and you can be honest about your thoughts:

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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