I want to marry you.
I can see us together.
I can see myself marrying you.

Men and women both say the words above; maybe more men than women. When you say those words make it clear whether you mean you see a relationship working out because it makes sense or because you love this person or both. Preferably it’s both when you say those words.

Don’t say those words to gain affection. Don’t say those words if they may misunderstand due to different cultural expectations or different upbringing.

Look, love is difficult enough. Marriage is easy: sign some papers and pay for a wedding. Making a marriage work in the 21st century- where meeting people from all over the world is easy- requires love and hard work. Love that endures. Love that trusts. Love that focuses one’s affection and attention on that one individual who makes the hard work worthwhile.

Don’t lead women on. Dudes, most of us get over things much easier, though some men have a more difficult time. Women however are wired differently. Some can completely overcome their hurt, some hide it, and some let it affect their lives for a while.

Be responsible. Be a man. Earn her attention organically and by being her friend (e.g., on dates, caring for what’s important to them). Save good-sounding and loving words for when you have a trusting relationship.

Okay, chill out. For every Asian woman I met who isn’t into Asian guys I know 10 others who are. Out of those 10 at least half of them prefer only Asian guys.

I’ve seen so many guys get distracted by the reality that not every Asian woman will be into Asian men. I am bringing this up because it appears to me like there are underlying feelings of inadequacy.

Below are some possible feelings of inadequacy and my suggested solutions.

1. Physically weak. Get a gym membership. Join a martial arts class like jujitsu or muay thai (cardio kickboxing IS NOT martial arts).

2. Shorter. Men who are physically shorter can appear like giants. Have a big heart and volunteer. Have guts and try something adventurous. Have balls and stand up to people who put you down.

3. Heartbroken. Did some girl tell you she broke up with you because of something YOU lacked? Truth most likely is, you lacked that something FOR HER only. Don’t categorize her as “gold digger” or “crazy”, she just has her own preferences. I am assuming you have ambitions and goals as well as a job.

4. Not “handsome”. God made you the way you are. Be proud of that. Truth is, how you dress, the way you carry yourself and attention to detail will attract more women than your facial structure. Get yourself nicely fitted suits in dark blue, light grey, and dark grey. Get yourself 5 or 6 fitted shirts (e.g., Penguin) and 5 or 6 nice Polo shirts (e.g., American Eagle). Get yourself couple nicely fitted jeans from a department store and get it tailored at the store or at a tailor shop. Wear those clothes at home to practice carrying yourself proudly. Women practice wearing heels and how to present themselves. Why can’t/shouldn’t men do the same?

Life is short. Really goddamn short. Spend your short time brazenly pushing forward to new heights of happiness. Stop trippin’ over what could have been or ought to have been. Thrive,  my friend!

Love requires a vulnerability that I admit I am still sometimes afraid to embrace. But after discovering my capacity to give love, I have come to terms that I just as well deserve to receive it. I’m not a millionaire. I’m not at the top of my profession (yet). I don’t own a home (yet). I don’t have children. I don’t have many things that I use to think would afford a man romantic love. But I deserve love.  I deserve to be loved. So do you. Why? Love doesn’t answer that question ‘why’. Love is just love. It is the only thing that can exist without an antithesis. 

Love is not something that requires qualification, nor certification, nor validation, nor vindication. Love is all encompassing. All trusting. All faithful. So how do we allow romantic love into our lives? Here are my suggestions.

1. Forget pain. Learn from pain and let it go. Read it like a fortune from a fortune cookie. Remember the words. Eat the cookie. (buy a lotto ticket with the numbers). Throw away the wrapper that traps us sometimes in airtight jails we call fear. Open up life. Go.

2. Be wise. My instincts tell me now if someone is able or at the right time to give and receive love. Someone might be able to give love and not be able to receive it. Someone might be able to receive love but not give it. Sure, there are couples who became coupled only because one person pursued entirely while the other person walked continously the other way. That is NOT the whole story. Know yourself. How long can you pursue before you lose your sanity? 3 months? 3 years? 3 weeks? 3 days? Be honest with yourself and be good to yourself. Don’t push yourself to meet other people’s expectations.

3. Don’t be careful. Being wise is not the same as being careful. Being careful is to come from a place of fear. Being wise is to move from a place of love and confidence. Love for oneself. Confidence in oneself. Go.

Love and be loved. You deserve it. Your future wife deserves it. Go. 

Love is something we all crave. Love is something we all deserve. But I admit while I preached that mantra I didn’t always believe it. I was a hypocrite.

But what I learned about love is that it has the capacity to overwhelm the greatest sins. The power to heal the deepest wounds. Below I discuss what i learned about love and what I have yet to grasp.

I invite you to grow with me. To become vulnerable by being brutally honest with ourselves in order to give love a chance in our lives. Let’s go.

I Corinthians 13

Love is patient.

Be patient. This has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with. Recently I have been blessed with the opportunity to practice this trait. Okay, so if I told you how long I have had to practice this trait you would certainly find me a whiner or a weakling. But goddamn this trait is hard.

Women aren’t always straightforward (sometimes we men are too callously straightforward). I grew up with a strong mother who spoke her mind; always. But this last year I saw her heart and that broke me down. There was so much unsaid and so much I did not know. Took her over 20 years to open up and share with me. Maybe it’s the changes in me that made her more comfortable sharing with me or maybe it simply took 20 years. Regardless, I now seek to love more than I seek to understand. Be patient when you don’t understand. She’s having a hard time too.

Love is kind.

Be kind. Not selectively. Always.

It does not envy.

What he has or possesses may be more than what I have. But God gives me exactly what I need to love the people He surrounds me with.

It does not boast.

Don’t boast how awesome your relationship is. Just live it.

It is not proud.

I will never be too proud to tell a woman when I am struggling or share when I am happy. I will be wise of course, but if she cannot receive it then I know I have the wrong receiver.

It is not rude.

Respect. Always.

It is not self-seeking.

I still cannot do this. How do I seek to make her happy during moments when I am so unhappy myself?

It is not easily angered.

Okay, after having had a few (several) dating experiences and relationships it’s extremely easy to make assumptions and project those assumptions onto others. Don’t. I may act like some Asian men, but in many ways I act in my own special ways. She does too. Don’t stereotype. Observe.

It keeps no records of wrongs.

I have not mastered this yet.

Love does not delight in evil bu rejoices with the truth.

Do not bring harm to someone you love, even if you are lying in your heart about loving them and paying lip-service only. Dish out love as carefully as you sign your name to binding contracts. Read the fine print (e.g., her individuality) and understand that no amount of words can cover entirely what’s in the relationship.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have loved and gotten hurt. All I can say is, fuck hurt. Get over it. Let it go. Love again. I fight for so many things and I realized I have never fought for love. I am fighting now. I hope my grandfather is proud.

There are two things that most (perhaps all) women love: hand holding and eye contact. This post is on eye contact. There are several important factors that make eye contact sexy: your facial expression, duration of eye contact, when you actually make eye contact, and how you look away. Some guys learn to do this artificially; but gentleman, the best kind of interactions are usually (mostly) the most organic ones.

Develop Eye Confidence in the Gym

I see a lot of dudes in the gym who could use some Eye Confidence. When they walk past another dude, they usually look away or look down. When I’m in the gym I make eye contact with those I walk past and I usually greet them. If they appear to be younger or at my age range, I give them a ‘What’s up’. If they appear older than me, I give them a nod and a “how you doing”. I always make eye contact, rather than look away or look straight ahead. It use to be uncomfortable, but like building muscle mass, building eye confidence takes practice.

When guys in the gym come up and ask me if I am done with the weights I am using, I look them in the eye and let them know how many sets I have left and that they can “work in” if they want. By giving them permission, I take control of the situation. The gym is a jungle- a more controlled setting of the real world jungle we live in. Learn to be king of the jungle, even if it’s momentary in the transient interactions you encounter.

Applying Eye Contact

When she’s talking about serious (e.g., her goals) or perhaps heavier topics (e.g., family), stop what you’re doing and look at her. Even if she is not looking back at you, she knows that you are looking at her. Eye contact above all else shows you are paying attention.

When I walk past women, I never look away. Even if they are not looking at me, I still say “how you doing”. We’re human beings. If they are walking past you then they are most likely alive (unless they are a ghost, in that case, I’m not sure what to do). Greet one another and acknowledge each other’s presence.

Keeping Eye Contact

Alright, here’s the truth. I’ve been extremely turned on before just simply during a nice conversation with intimate eye-to-eye contact. If you laughed after reading that comment, young man, GROW UP (On a side note, I hear often from younger guys about how much ‘play’ they get. Here is how you tell men apart from the boys: men have had unapologetic, unabashed, intense relationships with women whereas boys are still getting over puberty and the awesomeness of seeing a woman naked). If you are still laughing, keeping laughing. I guarantee you the women aren’t laughing.

Here are some tips:

  • Never look away first. Let her look away. Practice this by looking in your own eyes the entire time you brush your teeth. Two things happen during that exercise: you start to think of thoughts that affect your self-esteem or your mind if just blank. If your mind is the latter, think thoughts while maintaining eye contact
  • Always smile (organically) while looking at her. Or at least have a ‘happy’ facial expression. If the topic is heavy, keep a more solemn face. Social Skills 101, fellas.
  • When she is talking, make eye contact.
  • When another girl walks by while you are on a date NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER look at that other girl.

People got the dating game all wrong. Most people are trying to find “if” someone fits. They approach the ‘game’ with a checklist. What I find with checklists is that you focus on what’s missing rather than what’s there; ironic isn’t it?

The dating game ought to be about finding the ‘positives’ in every individual, not just the ones you are attracted to. Even if you do not find a girl immediately attractive, discover her qualities anyway. Here’s the game: for every ‘negative’ you find, you must find a ‘positive’. Often ‘negatives’ come out organically, but ‘positives’ are buried under stress, fear, and past hurt.

The world, our society, and the dating game are on the surface dirty and grimy. But beneath that dirt and grime are precious metals and qualities worth cherishing. Find it. That’s the dating game.

The best way to impress her, is ‘don’t impress her’. When I say ‘don’t impress her’, I don’t mean tell her all your bad qualities. What I mean is, don’t talk about yourself. Stick with two endeavors: ask about her and compliment her.

Asking about her will be another post, so stay tuned! Let’s discuss complimenting her. The first thing you must do is find your own confidence in complimenting yourself. Stand in front of a mirror, what do you see? A successful professional? A trust fund? A nice car? Look beyond that.

You’re definitely someone’s son; that’s a start. You definitely had a childhood; what did you LOVE doing as a child? Do you still do it? Look at your facial features; are you round, long, or sharp? Look at your hair, does it fit your facial features? Look at your muscle tone and body shape; are you happy with it? Look in your closet; do you simply have garments or do your clothes accentuate what you love about yourself?

An example of this kind of exercise:

Me. I am a son of two highly intelligent individuals. I loved racing on the bicycle around the block and I have a scar on the right hand from when I crashed at the tender age of 9. I loved the ’90s shows “Saved by the Bell” and “Family Matters”. I have a sharp chin. I couldn’t change my hair if I wanted to because it flows only in that direction. I will never be as big as the biggest guy in the gym, but I can be as strong as my body can handle- and that’s pretty damn strong. I like my athletic body shape. I love bright-colored polo shirts and they accentuate my shoulders quite well. I love my red Nike shoes because I have mostly solid and dark colored clothes, so the red-color shoes really stand out.

From this exercise you can start to see the picture of a whole person. For most women, they go through these thoughts on a daily basis. They have thought or continue to think about their features; and if they say they don’t they are mostly (definitely) lying. So let’s apply this exercise to her.

An example of this exercise on her:

Her. She’s a daughter, is she closer to her mom or dad? Why? Similar personalities? What is her personality (e.g., bubbly, calm, etc.). “I like that you’re bubbly/calm etc. because I am bubbly/calm…

She has put some time into making up her face. How does it make you feel when she smiles? Or perhaps her stoic face makes you feel steady (hey, some guys like stoic)? Does she have lipsticks? Are her lips shinny? Let her know you’ve noticed. “I love that red lipsticks you have on, it’s sexy“. Don’t be afraid to use the word “sexy” if it is true. Don’t say something nice. Say something true. Sometimes sincere. Something that makes your soul scream “YES”!

These are simply suggestions, of course. But start with yourself. A man who can show others respect must first respect himself. A man who can compliment others must first be comfortable with himself. Get into the habit of finding at least one thing positive about every individual.

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